The Beard

 “Shave it!” Instead of a simple “hello, how are you doing?” this was my mom’s reaction to seeing me on facetime for the first time in months. My beard had been growing since May. I sold out and cut it off last night. It was so stubborn and gnarly it took about 20 minutes to shave off. I felt like I was butchering a billy goat.

The occasion? I have my second job interview in 3 months. It’s a zoom call so the interviewer will be able to see my facial hair situation. Hearing countless people make comments like “your beard looks weird, kind of strange and unbalanced without a mustache... or you know you have dried yogurt crusted on your beard... or you kind of look like a high level child molester” I shaved it so I can set a good impression and perhaps earn an income again. I kept telling my detractors that I was like special ops.... the most feared unkempt bearded soldiers that were sent to track down osama. That my beard would help me blend in on my future architecture travels to turkey and iran.

But after looking in the mirror, I came to my senses. Nobody wants to hire a bum who’s been sitting on their ass for 3 months, floating around aimlessly, hiking hundreds of trails in the wilderness, amassing a random Twitter following of Spanish architects ( my twitter feed ), avoiding showers and baths like the plague. Something about a clean shaven appearance gives the impression of good hygiene, organizational skills, focus, and punctuality. I suspect these social conventions have something to do with Christian value systems imposed on bearded people over the past 2000 years.

Goatees have been around since Ancient Greece when Pan, god of fields, groves, wooded glens sported it and was often affiliated with sex. When the Christians took over and copied pagan imagery for their own characters, the goatee was appropriated by Satan.

Looking like satan with chicken Schwarma stained beard has not been getting me anywhere professionally. Having sent countless resumes, talked to numerous friends at firms, and tailored sickening sweet saccharine sycophantic cover letters I finally got a response from a sole practitioner who designs interiors and homes and is 4 years younger than me. What a fall from grace. Just last year I garnered four job offers within a week at leading firms in nyc. Now I must grovel to work on kitchen renovations. I have absolutely no experience in high end residential, but I guess I have an interest in picking up that skill to someday start my own firm.

To counter my lack of expertise, at some point in today’s interview I will say something profound like, “I’m a fast learner. I like to embrace new challenges. I’ll work for 20% less than any other applicant you have. No. The beauty of architecture is that each new project is an adventure. you dive into a user and client’s world and immerse yourself in their situation imagining what it means to operate and use a building you’re designing. How do you add on to existing buildings? How do you connect a building to a campus? How can a school serve as a community center? How do you teach children the wonders of botany? How do you help people struggling with mental health problems recover? How do you create affordable housing which people feel safe and proud? How do you create an environment that fosters learning and reading?..... If offered a job opportunity at your firm, I would ask how do you create an amazing domestic luxurious experience for a rich person? Should the pool use a UV filtration system or artisanal salt? Do you budget in immigrant labor to rake leaves from the large trees planted to shade the outdoor tennis and bocce courts? Most importantly, do you think the handles on shaker style cabinet drawers should be centered or biased towards the top?”

I started out at a 160 person firm, then jumped to a 120, then 40, then 9 and now 1. At each firm, the owner of the firm was older than me... now I’m going for an interview to be the oldest. Given this trajectory, in a couple years, I will be working solo with a beard.

felix feneon goatee

before the job interview

yogurt beard