"I got married late in life had some issues I was enjoying those issues quite a bit as i recall When I was single I had married friends I would not visit their homes I found their lives to be pathetic and depressing. Now that I’m married I have no single friends I find their lives to be Meaningless and trivial experiences. In both cases I believe I was correct.
Whichever side of marriage side you’re on you don’t get what the other people are doing. I don’t hang out with single guys.. you don’t have a wife We have nothing to talk about. You have a girlfriend, that’s wiffleball. You’re playing paint ball war... I’m in Afghanistan. You’re sitting on a merry go round blowing a pinwheel, I’m driving a truck full of nitro down a dirt road. Hey single guys here, “hey jerry what if I want to be a married guy like you, what do I got to have?” “I’ll tell you what you’ve got to have, you’ve got to have some answers, buddy. Women have a lot of questions, their brains are strong they’re on high alert all the time. You’re sleeping, she’s researching. Female brains are always cooking. The female brain is one of the most competent and capable organs of the biological universe. Girl power. There’s nothing the female brain can’t do. It will solve all problems of earth and life.. and once it’s completed that it will move onto the hypothetical. Theoretical situations that may or may not occur. The female mind needs to know how you might respond. “If you faked your own death I found out about it.. what would you say?” “What are we talking about?” “Oh I dreamt the whole thing last night so don’t deny it” Being married is like being on a game show and you’re always in the lightning round. I went out and bought a game show podium. I set it up in my living room. I wake up in the morning, stand behind the podium. Try to answer all my wife’s questions.. and get on with the goddamn day. I got a hand button clicker. “I’ll take movies we saw together for $200” my wife of course is the returning champion from last week. “I’ll take details from 10 minute conversations we had at 3 o clock in the morning 8 years ago... I’d like to bet everything I have on that, Alex. I am going for the win.” “Your husband of course never has a clue. I’m sorry sir you did not win the weekend sex package. You’re pretelevised for the morning event. Thank you for playing ‘are you even listening to me’? and don’t forget to take that big bag of garbage with you on the way out.
Here’s what I do now. ladies your husband wants to make you happy. he’s working on it! planning it and thinking about it every second. but he cannot do it. sometimes we do it but we don’t know how we did it. and then you ask “what did I do?” that looks like you don’t know what you’re doing. you can’t do nothing. She says “I can’t believe you’re doing this?” the Man says “doing what?” the woman starts crying. the man says “I didn’t do anything”. the woman says “exactly.”
so... it is a bit of a chess game isn’t it? except the board is flowing water and all the chess pieces are made of smoke. You can make all the moves you want but you will not affect the outcome of the game. It’s a beautiful thing. Marriage. because it has its moments. Interesting moments. Fascinating moments. I saw a couple on the street other day. It’s true. husband in the car, wife on the sidewalk. he’s picking her up after work. he does not bring the car to a full and complete stop. she has the door open she’s hopping she has 1 foot in trying to get some kind of leverage to get in the car. One can only imagine the spirited exchange of ideas that’s took place in the car the rest of the evening. that’s what marriage is. it’s two people that’s it...trying to stay together without saying the words “I hate you”. you’re not allowed to say that... but you can feel it... that’s OK. don’t let it come out. say something else. say anything else. “so why is there never any scotch tape in this goddamn house?” Scotch tape is ‘i’ tape is ‘hate’ and house is ‘you’. it’s just better... it’s better to say “no normal human being leaves the bathroom floor that wet“ than “you’re stubbing out my soul like a cigarette butt”. you don’t say “I could kill you right now” you say “you’re so funny sometimes”... and and you’re not alone in marriage too so don’t forget that. culture, society, and technology even helping you on your journey of marriage. in your car, for example, separate buttons dual zone climate control systems in so many cars now. Gee, I wonder if it was a married person that thought of that. You know this could come in handy for someone you’re legally bound to you for the rest of your life. when you want him to shut up about the temperature “I’m freezing I’m frozen, I’m boiling, it’s blowing on me.” when my wife says “the air is on me” it’s equivalent of a normal person saying “a bear is on me.” that’s the urgency level and I respond to that level too. oh my God an evil breeze from a hostile vent is attacking my main life partner who currently bore me three children without anesthesia and probably could’ve caught the babies herself when nobody else was around but cannot survive a waft of air 3°Off her optimum desired temperature. It true this stupid dual zone thing totally works to keep different temperatures and air molecules from commingling inside a 3 foot wide compartment of an automobile because a lot of times I go to my coffee place in the morning I like to get my coffee black on the left side of the cup and cream and sugar on the right. marriage is a beautiful thing “but Jerry we would like for you to tell us in a little more detail how you transitioned because we saw you do it. 45 years regular single bachelor guy all of a sudden you turn on a dime... marriage kids life is better how did you navigate that? how did you acclimate? how did you cohabitate and procreate while learning to accommodate so as not to aggravate? very good question. because a man in a marriage will not survive if he does not have a strong brain to speech filtration system. you don’t just talk in marriage. it’s risky. when I’m with my wife who I love so dearly and a thought enters my little head.. the first thing I think is “well, I know I can’t say that... maybe I can say I heard someone else say it” and then she and I can share a warm moment together agreeing on what an idiot that person is. we get along great.
we have three kids. I told you that. my wife had me there I was there at the big sheet. I was allowed to be there I was in the northern hemisphere the baby was born the doctor picks up the baby the baby the head pops above the sheet like a goop. it’s traumatic. Obviously. It is the most Traumatic moment of human life any time two people walk into a room and three come out a major event took place. at the end of life, we go back basically into the same room... people around the same bed. same stuff and also a different number of people coming out than went in. but that’s the human being business. that’s a hospital’s job. we got to turn the inventory. new products. we got to keep the supply chain moving. the hospital’s job is get them in get them out.I love being a dad. My oldest my daughter just finished high school. She goes to college now. she just left a couple months ago. everybody’s asking me “jerry how do you feel the first kid leaving the house what’s it like? Are you ok.” I’m ok it’s like somehow if you found a baby alligator and you put it in your tub and everyone comes to check it out. “oh come on I found it put your finger in its mouth feel its little teeth” and then time passes and you go “you know, I think we should get this thing the hell out of here. It shouldn’t be here anymore. It’s too big. It’s scary. This thing needs to be out there murdering and eating other things. That is what nature wanted you to do. I love the whole thing when they were little. There was just that thing our generation. If you have kids you know what I’m talking about... you know what happened with it. you we got so into it can’t get enough of it.
When we were kids some parents didn’t give a damn about us. Where we were what our names were. I remember standing in line behind the ice cream truck. And the different ice creams they have.. the stickers the signs for them was right over the exhaust pipe if the truck. You had a Dixie cup it was the equivalent of smoking a pack of camels This is how you grew up you were born to people. You lived in their house. The day you moved out you turned around and went “that’s insane! I don’t understand 90% of the last 18 years. I appreciate it. I will be back to visit the minimum acceptable number of times. Nice doing business with you. That’s how we grew up. We couldn’t wait to get out of the house. Our kids can’t wait to stay where they are.
No comments:
Post a Comment