Architext: Buying a Car

desperate times call for desperate measures. after a week of working from home we've decided to pack up and flee the ~~kids~~ city. don't get me wrong. i love my kids, but i think i'm suffering PTSD from their non-stop 'call of duty modern warfare' machine gun battles. their skewed experience of the corona virus has been a non-stop video game playing tour of duty. Forget online home schooling of simple arithmetic and reading skills, my younger son has become an accomplished video game sniper during the corona outbreak.

having renounced public transportation since last week, we scootered to the Toyota dealership in manhattan. with ride share drivers coming down with corona, we wanted to buy a car instead of rent, to ensure nobody sneezed corona virus all over the interior. just last week I was biking through the hot zone... the Hasidic neighborhood in williamsburg. i found it odd the jews were carrying pillows in clear plastic bags, used flip phones, and walked in large fur hats. even odder has been their raucous party behavior. apparently they've been congregating and spreading corona like wildfire... partying like it's 1898 all over again.

today, i thought it would be funny to go buy a car in a face mask like a fucker and see the car salesman's reaction. the day before i was rattled in going to a post office where everyone wore masks except me. little did i know, the salesman was actually going to be paranoid himself. there were no introductory handshakes or idle chit chat. he sported a face mask, latex gloves, a container of lysol wipes, a bottle of hand sanitizer and a bottle of water on his desk. he complained that the dealership was even open. i didn't have the heart to tell him, that he should have shaved his beard to get an effective seal between his face and the mask.

I figured the impending shutdown of the car dealership would yield a great opportunity to get a good deal. I tried shamelessly to haggle the price... but car dealers are like delusional cockroaches even when faced with the impending implosion of the economy. He wouldn’t budge on the price. I lied and said I talked to someone on the phone and they would give me $5000 off... to which he responded over milli vanilli's seminal "girl you know it's true" song playing softly overhead that they'd rather let the cars sit here than give me a bargain. "We run a business to make money," he admonished me.

I then resolved to waste his time and make stupid jokes as revenge. “Yeah, I’d like to see your Toyota Corona... I mean Corolla..... can you tell me what the differences are between the le, se, and trb... What’s the difference between a gas and a hybrid car. Why is the rav4 so expensive? Is a rav4 like a corolla but higher?"

"can we buy a car and drive it off the lot today?"
"no, our finance person is out sick..."
"so we can’t get financing for the car today? Should we get a bank check? should we pay all cash with a suitcase full of bills? did your finance person call in 'sick' or is she faking corona to skip work?" I joked.

he didn’t find me funny. he was laying his life on his line selling Toyota cars, and I was cracking jokes. to show how insignificant my business was to him, he said, "last week, a billionaire just bought a top of the line highlander car in all cash."

the last time I drove a Camry was 2006. It was a durable car, but got flooded and had an assortment of electrical issues throughout its life. i swore i would never buy a car in nyc ever again. moving the car from parking space to parking space for street cleaning schedules became untenable when I had to send Ben to elementary school. Now with corona, all the rich people have fled to their bunkers in Long Island and there are plenty of spots on the street. also back in 2006, the middle 8" wide section of the rear camry seat could fold down thereby allowing skis to fit lengthwise. In the new model, none of these rear seats were configured like that. so in the middle of corona duress I was disappointed by the rear seat evolution and was making decisions on impulse purchases based on the ease of future ski trips.

we left the dealership dejected. i made a call out to subaru asking for quote on various models of outbacks. a tedious bike ride out to bumfuck queens yielded a used 2019 brown shit color outback in a used car lot. at 4pm, we had 3 hours to finalize the inspection for the car, fill in financing paperwork, obtain registration and insurance. all the employees were told their dealership was closing at 7pm for at least the next 4 months. faced with the prospect of not having access to a car over the next 4 months, we chose the shit color car.

we drove back to the city in our impulse purchase. we now have a vehicle to make a half baked road trip across the country. We are escaping the place with the most incidence of corona virus in America. i never imagined getting another car till this whole corona virus came up. now, i'm predicting our economy will go to shit for 18 months, digital happy hour and teleconferences and working ~~from home~~ nomadically will be the new norm.

ready to sell cars: lysol wipes, latex gloves, face mask, hand sanitizer, bottle of water.